July 2, 2013

We Do Not Negotiate With Emotional Terrorists

Most parents are amateur anti-terrorism experts. My wife I have logged this type of operational experience owing to numerous incidents with our first daughter. Recently, we have had to deal decisively with a second wave of organic terrorism in our home. Our beloved tyke, Marina, has developed into a part-time antagonist with her own extremist agenda. To our chagrin, we recognize she has been using calculated verbal and physical violence to provoke a state of terror in the Rising Family™ in an attempt to impose her worldview on us.

It is incumbent on me that I reiterate, with resolute conviction and moral certainty, our family policy on these matters:
We do not negotiate with emotional terrorists.
(Even if we love them with all our hearts.)

Thus, Ms. M has been indicted by our family court for her violations against acceptable behavior, as follows:

Charge #1: Has used 30-minute ear-splitting screaming and unwittingly hilarious tantrums to try to force her food, clothing, and play choices, and general social agenda, on the rest of us.
Ruling: guilty.

Charge #2: Has used physical and psychological warfare against her older sister to compel compliance with her nefarious three-year-old-kid socio-economic manifesto (i.e. “Gimme your grape juice, bitch. NOW!”)
Ruling: guilty.

Charge #3: Has deliberately blocked view of TV with cutesy mini-kitchen set to coerce other family members to change to her preferred kiddie show (Teletubbies). Related charge: when rebuffed, defendant sprinted around room, screeched at high decibels, and threatened violence with swinging arms.
Ruling: guilty.

Charge #4: “Freakouts Without Cause”, viz. numerous early morning tantrums (before even rising from bed) that infuse the day with dejected gloom.
Ruling: oh man, so, so guilty.

Sentence: no Doraemon cartoons or ice cream until behavior improves.

For the past several months, all efforts to calm with hugs; charm; keep busy; redirect or divert attention; ignore; change location/environment; and other well-intentioned responses to this anti-social radicalism have met with nothing but more 30 to 45-minute terror tot temper tantrums. Therefore, we have countered this tide of tempestuous deeds with our strict adherence to the no-negotiation policy.

Our war on tiny person terrorism continues.

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