Colonized

Courtesy of webmd.com

Colonoscopies are generally performed as part of screening programs to check for potential colon cancer. In October 2019 my insurance company gave me a colonoscopy for my 50th birthday. This “present” was to fully cover the cost of the procedure per my health insurance plan with no copayment! That’s a big deal here in the U.S., where the health care quality is excellent but the financial framework defies explanation. But who am I to bite the hand that feeds me? I was grateful to get some peace of mind about my colon’s condition. But also antsy to have a metal probe put in my pantsy, if you know what I mean.

Prologue

I am pretty sure I wrote the following passage soon after the general anesthetic wore off post-procedure.

My colon is like the river in Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness. Marlowe’s boat navigates the verdant interior waterways of the Congo; it permits him to check out the deep, unexplored and unknown dark territory. The boat is the foreign vessel invading the interior of the continent. It threads the line between known and unknown and symbolizes humanity’s good and evil sides.

Preparation

Once I committed to doing it, my colon screening began with cleaning. Preparing for a colonoscopy stinks. Clearing out your bowels can be tough. You get a prescription and a pep talk from the gastroenterologist’s admitting nurse assistant, and a knowing wink from the pharmacist when you buy the colon-blow juice. You need to restrict your diet at least 24 hours before the procedure. That means stop eating at 18:00 the night before the procedure and start drinking the horrid-tasting fluids. A few number ones and number twos result and you think, what’s the big deal about this? Then the intestinal typhoon hits south of the border, and your dignity disappears as fast as you-know-what flies out of your rectum. But a clean tube for the doc is a must, so you do it.

Not much sleep the night before, and no more liquids for a few hours prior to the procedure.

Performing the screening: Into The Mystic

According to a BBC survey, this Van Morrison song’s cooling, soothing vibe has made it one of the most popular songs for surgeons to listen to while performing operations. Similarly, once I was wheeled into the operating room, I remember something reassuring, like Enya or Christopher Cross. I had a chat with the doctor while lying on my left side on the gurney, hooked up to monitors. Soon, the sedatives flowed through an IV into my arm and it was hello, la-la land. I don’t remember a thing. Zippo. But thank you for rendering me unconscious.

Courtesy of the Mayo Clinic

The doc inserted a roughly four-foot-long, flexible tube-like instrument called a colonoscope into my bunghole. It had a light and video camera on the tip so he could scrutinize the lining of my colon to find any unwelcome guests, e.g. colon cancer cells or polyps. It also pumped in air and inflated my colon, giving him a better view of my innerspace and its lining. It also induced mammoth post-op farts, adding ample opportunities for hilarity and mild shame when the nurse checked in on me in the recovery room at the wrong time.

This camera went where no camera has gone before. I was told my procedure was normal, took between 20 and 30 minutes. It was the second time in my life I have been unconscious, and not unpleasant. Just blank. They wheeled me back to my recovery room  to wake up from the sedative. Luckily, no post-op nausea. It was no different than drinking three craft beers on an empty stomach—woozy to buzzed, then slowly back to sober.

Payoff--the clinical verdict 

My biopsy samples came back negative.  As I emerged from the ether of unconsciousness, I peered at my chart fastened to the side of the gurney. I am somewhat sure a comment read: “This guy is a real asshole. But he’s cancer-free.”

I think I doth protest too much. People at normal risk for colon cancer should undergo a colonoscopy at age 50 and every 10 years after that to remove colonic polyps and check for cancer. I’m glad I did it, but can certainly wait ten years for the next one. 

2019 in rear view

It’s that time of year again. Let’s start – yikes – a new decade by looking back at the year just passed. I’d say that 2019 was a mixed bag for the Rising Family™. The first half was aces, the latter half was un-good. Come what may the Rising Family keeps chugging forward with hope in our hearts for a great new year to come.

Quotable quotes:

“All I have in my hands is sadness.” - M.

“I don’t want a boyfriend. I just wanna live my life.”  - Lady E.

Courtesy of the Todd Art Gallery, MTSU

January

January is usually a banal experience; often the hopes of a fine start to a new year slide into normal routines. Thus, January came and went as expected! Although I discovered this poster in November, it quite nicely depicts the state of my “perfectly OK” household.

February

I’ve already posted about our visit to the U.S. Space and Rocket Center in Huntsville, Alabama. Yet ‘space’ is a recurring theme of 2019. (You’ll soon hear more about our trip to the Kennedy Space Center in December.) Today is the national holiday commemorating the birth of Martin Luther King, Jr. Now that I have lived in the U.S. for enough time, I’ve come to understand the importance of this inspiring man’s life, and the tragedy of his assassination. I hope the Rising Daughters have, too.

March

Elena graduated from her elementary school program at the Japanese supplementary school of middle Tennessee. M., also attends, of course. The program mirrors the schedule of the Japanese school system so mid-March is the usual time to end the year.

Part celebration, part “when in Rome”, we drove to Destin, Florida, then on to Tampa, for spring break. It was flavored by seafood binges for my ladies and Bud Light for me. One memory was visiting the home of the Blue Jays’ spring training in Dunedin. I couldn’t wrangle a full game, but I did get a nice memory with Marina as we strolled around the facility as I whet my appetite for the baseball season to come.

April

Elena showed her violin skills when her school orchestra played a concert for parents. Marina participated in an art exhibition after her painting of a gumball machine made the cut. Both kids are displaying more artistic inclinations than their parents. Hmm.

May

Dad a.k.a. Grampa visited us for a spell in May. His being within driving distance is a major perk of our time here in Tennessee. One memory of this particular visit is his face getting redder as he resolutely ate his Nashville hot chicken at the Party Fowl joint in Murfreesboro. For the record, pride aside he opted for “Nashville Hot” grade chicken rather than “Poultrygeist.” No amount of beer can quench that fire or stimulate purging that from your digestive tract quickly enough.

In May, we also went to a drive-thru safari. The kids also visited me at my workplace to see where the family funding comes from!

June

Back to Japan to re-charge and visit family.

July

I celebrated my birthday on the road, where I belong. I also took weekend tours to Memphis and Tallahassee while the family was away. Maximized my male bonding time with friends.

August

I delight in summer’s heat. It was steamy-perfect weather to go to the county fair and cool down at the Kentucky Kingdom amusement park in south Louisville, Ky.

I took my brother and his girlfriend on an emission-free tour of downtown Nashville and Franklin in my LEAF. We had them stay for a few days and noshed on BBQ, too.

September

As the heat and humidity abated, the family went out for lengthy outdoor activities not involving waterparks. One was to the Cheekwood Estate, a Great Gatsby-type estate where we frequently go in December to see Christmas illumination lights. This time, it was Japanese Culture Day and plenty of pumpkins. 

Sep.-Oct. is also pumpkin harvest time, so the pumpkin patches also grab our attention. 

And Sports Day never disappoints.

October

A random day trip to Atlanta embodied West meets East. How’s that? 1+2= flavorful fusion.

(1) Coca-Cola is an iconic American symbol often referred to as the world’s most recognized  brand. So hell yes we went to see the wellspring of carbonated happiness by touring the World of Coke museum near the Coca-Cola Company’s world headquarters in Atlanta. We all love a cold Coke. During our visit, Elena took advantage of a software station to create her own bottle wrap.

(2) With so much Americana guzzled there, we needed a cultural balance by eating at our favorite Japanese-style tavern in America, Shoya izakaya. The food and ambience are the real, yummy deal.

Halloween: Marina went out as Abraham Lincoln. That costume was more about the cheaper second use of a social studies project prop. Don’t read too deeply into the symbolism, people.

November

The Big Feast - Thanksgiving

Our turkey was half of Marina’s weight; God bless America!

The Publix apple pie and the double vanilla ice cream blending with the juices of my mouth conjured an endless parade of satisfied grins. Later, the feasting provoked tears of chagrin as I looked at my waistline. If you’re gonna play, you gonna pay.

Another November dreary weather escape is to head out to Chattanooga to the aquarium. The Rising Family sometimes misses the aquatic life.

December

For our last Christmas in the U.S. we opted to go south. A trip to the Kennedy Space Center at Cape Canaveral was planned, followed by further movement southward to the Miami area. And that is a story for another time.