Drugged by Disney Part II

More stories of supply side decadence from our trip to Disney World.

Day 3. The Animal Kingdom theme park was wild. We breezed through security and hauled ass up through the footpath lanes filled with families. They had exactly the same mission we did: get on the most popular rides before anyone else. These Type A families piss me off. Of course, we’re different….

We made it to the Everest Expedition roller coaster. The waiting area was well done—the faux train station evoked memories of India (even though it was supposed to depict Nepal.) We got on board the coaster and the reverse motion part of this zooming experience was gullet-jarring fun. The girls really enjoyed this one. 

But there was so much going on that they were usually distracted. We walked an awful lot in the 90-degree heat. I was OK with that, but by mid-day my body felt like it was coated in lanolin. We also trudged along nature trails and saw many exotic birds and bugs. The bug-themed 3D movie attraction was marvelous. At the end, after being lulled with huge video screens filled with images of creepy bugs and flying insects, they unleashed what felt like bugs running underneath the seats. The sensation similar to a giant cockroach scuttling under your bum -- a wee shocker.

Switching gears…Day 2’s race car test track at EPCOT was not only a pretty ingenious automaker PR project, it got my need for speed fixed right quick. The highlight of this one is a speed run on a track around the exterior of the building at a top speed of 65 miles per hour. A bit of a pucker factor thanks to some very sharp turns. It is billed as the fastest Disney theme park attraction ever built.

Which brings us to Day 4 at Disney Hollywood’s Aerosmith roller coaster ride. I got past Steven Tyler’s grinning mug quickly, hoping the ride was worth it. It’s a simulated hyper limousine ride in L.A., but in reality a 1.5 minute souped-up roller coaster ride with an inverted spin. When the back of your noggin clonks against the padded headrest the adrenalin kicks in. Again, the Disney elixir of fun and fame and jacked-up sensory experience. The happiest place on Earth doesn’t happen by chance. These rides are better than crack, my friends.

A visit to a Disney Park is about collecting experiences. There are hundreds of ways to indulge your taste buds. But I’d rather spend an enormous amount of money maximizing rides and interactive experiences than stuffing overpriced crap food down my throat. So, as was mentioned before, we grazed and also brought in our own lunch fare.

One magnificent exception was this story of utter gluttony. After exiting the park, we spied a Boston Lobster outlet on the way back to our hotel, resulting in a huge crustacean dinner fiesta. The girls feasted on lobster and crab and everything they could gobble. Me, too, except it was steak. We were all really, really full, and really, really satisfied. I’m surprised that there isn’t a Disney Lobster Park yet.

Wrapping it up:
As a father, where else but Disney World can I go to spend a small fortune for travel and hotel, have no say in where we go or do while inside the venue, listen to my children complain and whine about how hard they are done by, and yet still rave about the experience?

Maybe I should shit-can my grand "sense" theory of why Disney Parks are so successful. Likely it boils down to something all human beings value and enjoy: smiling, happy people relishing a grand experience together and forgetting the pressures of the outside world, if only for a short time.

In our experience, it is the happiest place on Earth, and Disney is peerless at keeping you hooked.